The death of a long term relationship is slow, sad and bloody. It doesn't die right away like the fiery loves of our young years that burned with intensity for a couple of weeks but when it's over its corpse just disappear, like in those old arcade games.
No, it drags itself behind you every single day, bleeding and crying and screaming like a gory zombie movie. If you don't look back for long enough and try to distract yourself with what's ahead you might even think it's finally dead, but out of nowhere: BANG! It surprises you with a scream and you look back and see its decaying living corpse, still behind you, still trying to grab your leg and bring you to the underworld with it.
The worse screams happen on situations that I've labeled: "Gotta tell her about this", and it hurts deep in the soul's guts. It happens when you experience something that you usually would tell her when you got home or when she called. Maybe your dog looks particularly cute after a haircut, maybe something mildly amusing you experienced visiting a different culture. For one split of second your brain forgets she's not part of your life anymore, and thinks what it got trained to think for all these years: "Gotta tell her about this".
"Gotta tell her about this", such a short and delicious dream...That ends abruptly with that bloody dying creature screaming at you: "NO, YOU WON'T! YOU KILLED ME YOU IDIOT! YOU'LL DIE ALONE AND WON'T TELL SHIT TO ANYBODY." I take a deep breath and try to move on as if I haven't heard it. But I have. And though the creature and its blood and its scream isn't real, the pain is. But I move on, and it follows me, it's behind me as I write these words. I hope it dies soon...
